Contribution to debate

Hi there, I am constantly told ´´yo

Written by Callie 23. Aug 2004 10:12 PM

Hi there,
I am constantly told ´´you have so much going for you´´ and yet I think ´´if only you knew the truth´´...so what if I have a uni degree, am ´´intelligent´´ and ´´talented´´....everything I am told seems so false because with the haze of depression, I feel like a failure. Not having control of my life and emotions leaves me feeling so paralysed.

I don´´t have anyone to talk to and I feel so alone. I have a wonderful gorgeous boyfriend and because he is an eternal optimist (which can be downright frustrating) I don´´t know whether to tell him about my depression - how I really feel, how I struggle every day, how my life feels empty and I feel totally numb and paralysed. I am tired of making excuses when he finds me in tears.
How do you form close friendships when you are depressed? I yearn for an understanding support network but don´´t know how to do this!

Everything is very black for me at the moment - my family refuse to discuss any sort of mental illness ... I have an uncle with bipolar and since he attempted suicide 5 yrs ago, it has been a total hush-hush situation. I don´´t if it is shame or that they simply don´´t know how to talk about these things...I don´´t know anyone else who suffers from mental illness so I guess this my attempt to reach out to others like me, to try to get some answers and suggestions; encouragement and support....I am open to anyone willing to discuss anything at all...just to talk and have someone who understands.
Callie

Callie... You are definately not alone in how you

Written by SmileyKylie 25. Aug 2004 09:49 AM

Callie... You are definately not alone in how you feel!! This site I only found recently and it can really help just to know that others understand what it feels like! Look depression is different for everyone, but many of the symptoms common. I honestly believe you would be best to discuss how you feel with you doctor or a counsellor, in many cases a counsellor will offer to talk with you and your partner together so that the partner can understand what is actually happening!
However, if you are not comfortable with that.. maybe print off the fact sheet about depression and the help for relatives on this site and talk to him about how you have been feeling and give him the sheets to have a look at.
If you lock him out of what is happening to you then you go on living a false life pretending everything is fine.. but if you open up to him, with support you can start to work your way through these feelings, and look to brighten your life once again!
If you need someone to talk to I am here.. and so are many of the wonderful people here in the Deptnet Community..
Kylie

Thanks for your kind words Kylie....well, I did te

Written by Callie 30. Aug 2004 08:23 PM

Thanks for your kind words Kylie....well, I did tell him and it was so hard because I guess I was fearful of whether it would change things between us. He had already pretty much worked out the situation but was waiting for me to tell him in my own time.

I had previously opened up and told him that I had been raped 12 months ago (at that stage, it was a huge barrier to our physical relationship - I couldn´´t bring myself to be intimate with him and he was so patient but I eventually felt comfortable telling him even though it took me 3 months of going out with him to get to that point)
I don´´t think I will take him in with me to speak to my psychiatrist....He doesn´´t like talking about it,I mean he will if I initiate the conversation but he doesn´´t ask deliberate probing questions... he said he just wants to help by getting me out doing fun, happy stuff so a trip to the shrink may not be a good idea :-)

I am hoping that I can get back to work sometime this week after 10 days off...so I suppose I am feeling like I am that little bit closer to the light at the end of the tunnel....I suppose not having the guilt of holding a secret from my bf is a big part of me not feeling as bad at the moment.

I am glad I found this site - everyone seems really supportive and friendly. If ever you want to share anything or talk, I am here to listen....
Kind regards,
Callie

Hi Callie, My name is Avril and I´´m 2

Written by autumnalresonanc 20. Sep 2004 11:31 PM

Hi Callie, My name is Avril and I´´m 26, I´´ve had anxiety disorder since forever and depression for just as long. My family won´´t talk about it either, my Mum has all the same symptoms as me but is forever fine and my grandma spends most of her life in bed. My Husband couldn´´t cope when I started having flashbacks of sexual assault when we had just been going out for 3 months...It took us 5 years and a break up to get our sex life anytwhere near to normal. Please let your boyfriend know that places like this and beyond blue exist where he can find out more about what is going on with you and how to best help you. I have had friends who are and my mother is constantly of the opinion that we must just do happy and fun stuff to lift you out of your depression. Some suggested help from one who has had almost all of it...A good psychiatrist is invaluable especially if they believe in talking about your problem not just medicating you. If your psych is just giving you meds please think about seeing a psychologist too..they may be expensive but they help more than any tablet (at least that Ive found) also, have you been to you local sexual assault clinic ? I know in Vic. its called CASA, not sure about other states. I went there and the counsellling was invaluable. Sorry If im giving you unneeded advice...hope you are doing ok. Avril

Loneliness: ´´All the lonely people wh

Written by Gingermeggs 10. Nov 2004 01:41 AM

Loneliness: ´´All the lonely people where do they all belong? All the lonely people where do they all come from?´´

I have some idea of the answer to Lennon/McCartney after 10 years of ´´treatment resistant major clinical depression´´: emotional illness -> work goes, study goes, friends gradually go ´´cos you never feel quite up to accepting invitations, meeting people n the street goes ´´cos there´´s no point in going out, ....

I have a husband and three daughters. When they ask ´´how was your day?´´ they don´´t really want te answer and you can´´t bring yourself to tell them of multiple crises in one day of life & death proportions. It´´s time to put on the re-assuring/ I am so normal personna and then, bliss, you can relax from the stress of being that ex-person.

The only answer seems to be something like this site where insomnia gives me privacy to discuss how badly I really feel. I just have to find the right group. Maybe this is it.

Hello! Yeah, life can be a bitch. No one ever wa

Written by Elly 10. Jan 2005 12:43 PM

Hello! Yeah, life can be a bitch. No one ever wants to hear how you´´re feeling because they just don´´t know how to respond to the fact that you are feeling miserable and scared and there is nothing that anyone can do to relieve it and make you "better". One of the frustrating things I find in life is people who make small chat. I feel like saying, "Life is short and bad enough without having to waste time pretending that either one of us gives a shit about the other. You either like me and want to listen to what I honestly think or you don´´t and you are going to walk away thinking I´´m a freak". But I never say that. While I want to say that, I don´´t really want to have to interact with people at all. I feel more alone when I am surrounded by people than when I catch up with one or two of my friends.

How are things for you guys now? I´´m yo-yoing a bit between good and bad. You know the way it goes. I´´m so glad I´´m seeing some one who (I hope) will help.

With lots of love, hugs, support and kisses.

Elly

ive just moved here from ireland, my family diso

Written by Anonymous 4. Mar 2005 08:12 PM

ive just moved here from ireland, my family disowned me, ive had depression since i was a child on and off finding it tough would like to see do others feel as dark inside as i do??

wow this is so wonderful to be able to talk to

Written by clarence 12. May 2005 04:54 PM

wow
this is so wonderful to be able to talk to people who know how i feel.
i told one of my best friends the other day that i had depression and she couldnt believe it. shes like ´´what?!?! you have everything going for you! you have a good family, great friends, you´´re smart, good at music and sport, you´´re skinny and you´´re beautiful!´´ and i was like ´´so what?!?! i dont have anything!!! my life is just empty!´´ i just felt so so annoyed that she couldnt understand. she was completely incredulous that i thought i had nothing going for me in my life. the only other person i talk to really about my depression is another of my good friends who is slwoly beating her depression. she was cutting herself and was at one point suicidal. shes the only person i know who understands what its like to feel so alone. i havent even told my best friend that i have depression and i´´ve known her since i was in preschool. i mean, she knows somethings up, but nothing specific. shes always so happy and the worst part is that i get so jealous of her sometimes just because she is a happy person. (if that makes any sense at all :S)
sorry for the rant

clarence

Hi All, I´´m married, 30 and have 3 ch

Written by Maz 24. May 2005 12:10 AM

Hi All, I´´m married, 30 and have 3 children. My relationship with my husband has been very rocky and we have separated several times. In between I have been in other relationships. About 7 years ago I spent 6 months in and out of a psychiatric hospital and had several rounds of shock treatment due to my un-relenting depression and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully I made it through the worst part of it, but I still carry the scars. I´´m no longer on medication and I don´´t really want to be. I´´m a fake and a fraud, I have a mask that hides much of how I feel now. I have secrets and sorrow and pain, which I haven´´t cared to discuss with anyone I know or have a relationship with since I was discharged from that hospital for the last time. I´´m afraid of my feelings and I feel like I´´m in my own private world. I feel like I´´m looking for something, but I´´m not sure what exactly.

maz,hi!i know how u feel i think everyone who has

Written by Anonymous 24. May 2005 12:57 AM

maz,hi!i know how u feel i think everyone who has had depression knows,you try and hide how we feel from everyone sometimes even ourselves.i think from my own experience unless you have gone through depression its hard to understand the pain and suffering it causes and that there is no quick fix.

YET ANOTHER STAGE OF SURVIVAL Hi everyone. I am

Written by Gingermeggs 25. May 2005 04:36 AM

YET ANOTHER STAGE OF SURVIVAL
Hi everyone. I am in a sociophobic stage. a few months ago I was hysterically anxious.

The anxiety was debilitating and threatening my marriage of 22 years (met at uni 4 years before that). Also over 11 years, fatigue can drive me to uncontrollable rage.

I believe that when I become over-tired and I circunstances force me to spend time in the ´´real´´ world that I could injure someone. I become uncontrollable and break things. Thankfully my husband now retreats from my little nest at the back of our house while I work through the rage.

I asked my psychiatrist to place me back on a drug (Prothiaden) an old family doctor gave me 12 years ago. At the time I was working and his daughter (also a doctor) put me onto something "more modern" so I wouldn´´t feel so sleepy when lecturing accountancy.

I won´´t go through all of the "modern" anti-derpressants mixed with Lithum or antipsychotic drugs I have endured along with 15 ECTs.

So back on the old Prothiaden, I am like a zhombi through the day. I am too scared to drive but as long as my household sees my "happy face" I am scraping by. That is all I want at the moment . My girls are 23, 21 and 15. They are always busy with school/university, sport and Church functions (I am a retired catholic).

This means I am available for a smile and the royal wave as they progress through the house changing clothes and gathering books or equipment for their next activity.

I must force myself to adjust to different moods in an hour or sometimes for months. I just have to go survive the minute/ hour/ day and all of a sudden it´´s another day.

I guess this is living. 24 hours ago I was suicidal but I made it to bed. Tonight on the TV I accidentally found a Concert with "The Blind Boys of Alabama". I hadn´´t felt such pure pleasure in months. Tomorrow, I could be completely disinterested about the same programme.

Somehow my days and nights have reversed. ie sleep days and feel a little energy when midnight passes.

I can´´t cope with contact with anyone other than my husband and daughters (they are the only people left in my real life - not those acquaintances one gathers over a life time. If someone sneaks in to the house before I can hide an/or regroup I lose all energy reserves (note I have been tested for CFS and many other diseases)

gingermeggs

looking for advice, does a chemical change occur w

Written by kay84 29. May 2005 07:21 PM

looking for advice, does a chemical change occur with serotonin and norepinephrine deficiencies with people who are suffering from depression and clinical depression or just clinical depression?

Written by tammy19 24. Aug 2005 02:42 PM

Goodmorning.My name is Tammy and i have a 5 year old daughter.I am a "single mother" [gee i hate that}. Not being able to share your all day crapiness with anyone is...well I think we all know the answer to that.

I have been suffering depression for nearly 2years now...2 years of completely I cannot remember. A young girl on her mobile phone rammed my car from behind at 80km to 100km per hour. I had my daughter in the back in her booster seat. We were singing. So happy and content, I had a wonderfull new boyfriend, fab job, new friends, did lunch all the times, didnt have enough time in the day!! Did I mention that my car was stationary when she hit my car. I was at a red light. Another car was in front of me.BANG.

Now I have no friends, my family think I am just stupid and get over it. Why are you not back at work they ask.

I WISH. With all my heart. That split second. BANG.I soooo want to move on with my life, but like my quack says, "I am trying to jump higher than my ARSE". he couldnt be more true. I wish It was night time. close my eyes. Feel little pain. But oh crap, I have only been out of bed for 4 hours.

I would really love to hear from you. Kind Regards.

Now

YOU CAN CHOOSE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

Written by ratfrog 11. May 2007 01:48 AM

Dear Callie and other fellow suffers,
I am 37yrs now and been suffering for about 15 years
now. People always look at your physical appearance and think well she looks okay so there can't be anything wrong.
I went from age 21 like you graduating from uni as a Pharmacist near top of my class and had met my future husband prior and it seemed I had everything anyone could want. Inside I was going through my own private hell. I had acquaintances but no one I could really open up my true feelings to except my husband. So after we married I grew further apart from every one else in my life. This included my entire family( parents and siblings), school and uni friends, work collegues. I built a cocoon shell around me and my feelings and slowly almost disappeared from the real world out there. It was too scary too face. I thought I was the only one in the world who felt like this until 2 and a half years ago (December 2004) when I found out about a mental health support group called GROW. Here I found true, caring people who listened and supported me through my struggles & pains as they too had been through similar experiences. Since then I haven't looked back. Most of them in the group also suffered from depression, felt alone and couldn't talk to anyone outside the group comfortably including family about their inner negative and sad thoughts. They too like myself had a major mental breakdown which now I am thankful for because it took me to reach such a desperate low point in my life to finally wake up and decide to get off my butt and do something positive to change my life. At this point I couldn't hold down a job and had to go on Centrelink payments for the first time in my life after working fulltime for 15 years.
My husband of about 12 years had enough of listening and putting up with my constant crying and negativity and we separated and I moved back with my parents who I bearly was talking to. My life was a mess and I didn't want to keep living. I had 2 months where I woke and each day thought of overdosing and committing suicide. (Easiest way since I am a Pharmacist). But then I went to Grow and started to talk to people, change my thinking, change my talk and start changing my relationships. It was a long curvy road I was embarking upon and I nearly 3 years later am still travelling. I have hit a bit of a backward dip last couple of months but I am picking myself up again. I know can talk about my condition to my family openly, some of my friends, GROW members and don't feel as alone as I was in Dec 2004. Most important of all, after one year of separating from husband I grew as a person and it gave my husband space and now we are back together and our marriage has never been better. You just have to hang in there. I wont lie to you. Its damm hard work and doesn't get any easier. What it comes down to is basically how much do you want to get well and are you prepared to do ANYTHING AT WHATEVER COST to achieve this.
If your answer is YES then you will get better and things can and will improve and life will be worth living. Its up to us which path we choose to take as to where we will end up. You must stop waiting or blaming others for our present state and start doing something ourselves to change our lives around with support from
other close people in our lives.
Keep Stong and try smiling,
RATFROG